Romeo and Juliet at Fat Camp
by GWTW Fan
Summary: This is what the characters of Romeo and Juliet would be like if they were unbelievably obese and went to a “fat camp” to try and lose weight. This parody is semi weird, but funny. It loosely follows Act 4 and Act 5. Please RR.


Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Shakespearean characters or references to other people, places, objects, etc. found in this parody. I suppose I own the Asst. Camp Counselor and the Exercise Guy.  
  
A/N: To understand this parody, you will need to have read Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare in detail. If you simply skimmed it or only saw the movie with Leonardo Di Caprio, you might not understand it. This parody was originally performed as a skit in my English Literature class. It went over well, and I hope that simply reading the altered scenes will be just as funny. This is what the characters of Romeo and Juliet would be like if they were unbelievably obese and went to a "fat camp" to try and lose weight. It only loosely follows Act 4 and Act 5.  
  
The Cast: Juliet Capulet: Juliet Romeo Montague: Romeo Balthazar: Balthazar Friar Lawrence: Camp Counselor (CC) who tends to his "herbs" Nurse: Camp Nurse Apothecary: Mafia Kid Paris: Paris Kid: Messenger who falls ill  
  
Setting: Somewhere secluded nearby the Girls' Quarters.  
  
Juliet: Romeo, I don't want to leave you, but I know that if the girls see you over here, they'll think that I'm telling you all about the prank we're going to play on the guys. Plus, I have to go exercise. (Looks disgusted, shivers at the thought of work, and then focuses back on Romeo) I'm sorry, but I have to go!  
  
Romeo: Juliet, come see me tonight and I'll share with you my secret stash of Nutty Bars. My parents mailed them just last night. They're my saviors! I'll have Balthazar come tell me when you're done exercising. Bye! (Walks off back to the Boys' Quarters and awaits Juliet's return)  
  
Setting: Juliet on the way to the Exercise Room.  
  
Juliet: Camp Counselor Bill! I have to ask you something.  
  
CC: (Walks toward Juliet absent-mindedly) Yes? I'm kind of busy right now. I got to go tend to some plants that I left out to grow back behind the equipment shed, and yeah. Wait, you didn't hear that.  
  
Juliet: Yes I did. What plants?  
  
CC: Nah.no, you didn't hear that.no.  
  
Juliet: (skeptical, conspiring face): I didn't hear it if you promise to help me.  
  
CC: (Tentative deal making face): All right, whatever you need kid. I'll see what I can do.  
  
Juliet: I am just reeealllyyy tired and don't feel like working out today. Is there anyway you can get me out of exercise class today? Like, tell the head counselor that you saw me and thought I looked sick. And that I should wait in the Nurse's office until you think I look better.  
  
CC: Nah I got a better idea (Pulls out mass amounts off sleeping pills) All right, take 10 of these and they'll knock you out for hours. Take them now and you'll probably fall asleep by the time you get there, and they'll think you fainted or something. That'll get you out of it.  
  
Juliet: Wouldn't it be easier just to tell them you thought I looked sick?  
  
CC: Nah.  
  
Juliet: And I'll wake up soon, right? I promised to meet Romeo later tonight.  
  
CC: I'll send Asst. Camp Counselor Ted to tell him that you might run a bit late because I gave you some sleeping pills.  
  
Juliet: (Begins to walk away, looks at the pills questioningly, and turns back) Umm, are you sure I should take ten? Is that safe?  
  
CC: (Pauses) Yes.  
  
Juliet: Positive?  
  
CC: Yeah, of course they are. Don't listen to what the FDGay people have to say about them. They're perfectly safe and all natural and now ephedrine free! Here's a nice glass of "iced tea" to wash them down. (Hands Juliet a Long Island Ice Tea)  
  
Juliet: Thanks Camp Counselor Bill! (Takes mass amount of pills and drinks "iced tea" and proceeds over to the exercise area while CC goes about to the sports equipment shed for sinister purposes)  
  
Setting: On the way to the Sports Equipment Shed.  
  
CC: Hey Ted, c'mere.  
  
Asst. CC: (Looks kind of panicky) Bill, I promised I'd pay you back later for the "spiritual medicine". I just.  
  
CC: (Scribbling on clipboard) Nah, don't worry about that Ted. I took the money out of your wallet last night. Hey, listen, could you go over to Bunk Seven and give this to a kid named Romeo. (Hands over slip of paper) He should be in there.  
  
Asst. CC: (Takes the paper) You went through my wallet? I only owed you, like, 30 bucks man. Where's the rest of my-  
  
CC: I took the rest to pay for future "excellent adventures". Thanks man, later.  
  
(Kid walks by Asst. CC and Asst. CC stops him.)  
  
Asst. CC: Hey, kid, come here.  
  
Kid: (Mumbling to himself about not feeling good, and looking sickly) Yeah?  
  
Asst. CC: You know where Bunk Seven is? (Kid nods) You know Romeo? (Kid nods again) Do me a favor and go run that over to him.  
  
Kid: But I don't feel good! I was going to go to the Nurse's Office.  
  
Asst. CC: You look healthier than I have in years. Listen, go to Bunk Seven and give that to Romeo. It's really important that he gets that. Now, move it!  
  
Kid: Okay. (Walks off moping to the Nurse's office)  
  
Setting: Juliet over at the Exercise Room, running after a Twinkie on a fishing pole for exercise.  
  
Exercise Dude: (Barely paying attention and reading a copy of Oprah Magazine) That's it, keep running, good, you're doing great.  
  
Juliet: (Gasping for air) When..will..these..pills..work? (Pills kick in) Whoa. here they go. damn! (Keels over and begins sleeping very deeply)  
  
Exercise Dude: OH SWEET GOD, I'VE KILLED HER! SHE'S GONE INTO CARDIAC ARREST! NUUUURRRSSEEE! (Runs to get nurse)  
  
(Nurse enters)  
  
Exercise Dude: (Panicking) I swear I didn't do anything, she was running, and fell over, and I don't know what happened. And.(Childhood traumas revisited and he breaks down crying) I'm a failure just like my mommy said I'd be.Ahhhh! (Runs off crying)  
  
Nurse: Oh dear! Oh I need a drink, just one Smirnoff. Where's a drink when you need it? Oh dear, I guess I better get her to my office.  
  
Setting: The Boys' Section  
  
Romeo: I just had the weirdest dream. I dreamt that I was dead, Juliet kissed me, and I was brought back to life as Godzilla. Maybe I shouldn't eat lard after eating lasagna. Balthazar, have you brought any news from the girl's section?  
  
Balthazar: Juliet is dead, Romeo. She died of cardiac arrest while jogging. The Camp Counselor tried to revive her, but it was too late. Her body is in the nurse's office. The nurse is still trying to revive her, but it's no use.  
  
Romeo: Go away. I need time to be by myself. (Starts singing "All by myself, I don't need nobody else. All by myself, I don't need nobody else" and then stops singing) Whom am I kidding? I love Juliet. From her 3 double chins to her 60-inch waist, I love all of her. Why did she have to die? I have to go the nurse's office at once.  
  
Setting: Between the Boys' Section and the Nurse's Office  
  
Mafia Kid: Heya Romeo.  
  
Romeo: Hey Mafia Kid. Wait a minute. Do you still have one of those poison Twinkies?  
  
Mafia Kid: So whata if I doa? Youse ain't an informant are youse?  
  
Romeo: No, I'm not an informant. I just want to but one of those Twinkies from you. Is two dollars ok with you?  
  
Mafia Kid: No, I want ten dollars.  
  
Romeo: Five dollars.  
  
Mafia Kid: Eight dollars.  
  
Romeo: Twenty dollars.  
  
Mafia Kid: Deal.  
  
Romeo: (Mumbles to himself) Sucker!  
  
(Twinkie Exchange)  
  
Romeo: Ah, the precious Twinkie. So precious. So very precious. All for Romeo, all for Romeo. (Laughs evilly)  
  
Mafia Kid: Yousa ok Romeo?  
  
Romeo: (Snaps back to normal) Yeah, thanks.  
  
Mafia Kid: Forget about it.  
  
Romeo: I just love Twinkies! Hooray for Twinkies! Give me a T, (Gasps) give me a W, (Wheezes) give me an I. Oh, what the hell! I'm too tired to spell it all out.  
  
Mafia Kid: Ok.  
  
Romeo: I have to get going to the nurse's office right away. Bye.  
  
Mafia Kid: (Calls out as Romeo is waddling away) Don't forgeta to give me your protection money for nexta week!  
  
Setting: The Camp Counselor's Office  
  
Camp Counselor: Oy Bro.  
  
Asst. Camp Counselor: Hey.  
  
(They both start smoking "spiritual medicine" and the CC starts twitching)  
  
ACC: You're twitching. That's funny.  
  
CC: I know. (Long Pause) So did that kid deliver the message to what's his name? (Pauses) Oh yeah, Romeo!  
  
Asst. Camp Counselor: No. The kid who was supposed to deliver the letter got the flu.  
  
Camp Counselor: Oh no! I have to go tell Romeo before he freaks out. (Pauses) Now, if only I could get up.  
  
Setting: The Nurse's Office  
  
Nurse: Oh, I'm a failure. I let Juliet die. (Grabs a Smirnoff, but then suddenly a mini angel and a mini devil appear)  
  
Angel: Have courage my sweet one! Your time has not come yet.  
  
Devil: Drink, Drink, Drink!  
  
Angel: Don't do it! Think of what your AA friends would say.  
  
Devil: Oh forget the AA.  
  
Nurse: You're right. Screw the AA meetings! (Chugs down the whole beer and passes out)  
  
(Paris Enters)  
  
Paris: (Looks at Barbie mirror) I just love myself. I'm a regular Gilderoy Lockhart. Everyone should have a mirror like this. I bet Michael Jackson has one of these. How else could he survive those mean comments about himself? Oh I just adore that man. (Looks at Juliet) Oh sweet Juliet. Maybe if I were more like Michael, I could have saved you.  
  
(Romeo Enters)  
  
Paris: Ooh Romeo, what are you doing here?  
  
Romeo: I have to be with Juliet. I love her.  
  
Paris: You can't love her. I love her.  
  
Romeo: I've got a logical solution to our problems. We'll fight to the death for the affections of a dead girl.  
  
Paris: Sounds logical to me.  
  
(Both start sumo wrestling)  
  
Paris: Stop! I can't go on. Michael loves the children of the world. He wouldn't try to purposefully kill a child.  
  
Romeo: Ok, I'll kill you then, you sick perverted freak!  
  
(Romeo Kills Paris)  
  
Romeo: Juliet, I'm sorry I've killed everyone. I love you. (Eats Twinkie and dies)  
  
(Juliet Awakens)  
  
Juliet: I must have been asleep for ages. I sometimes wonder why the Camp Counselor has so many drugs on hand. (Looks around the room) Oh, I can't believe it! Everyone, including Romeo, is dead.  
  
(Starts singing "Nobody knows the trouble I've gone through, nobody knows  
the trouble I've been in, no, no, no" and then stops singing)  
  
The only thing I can do is kill myself. (Tries to kill herself, but sword bounces off fat) Why can't I kill myself? Is this some punishment from because I tried to get liposuction instead of losing weight normally like I was supposed to? (Stabs herself and dies)  
  
---Camp Counselor Enters---  
  
Camp Counselor: I see dead people.and I'm not even high. Maybe I could have prevented this. As God as my witness, I'll never smoke pot again! (Starts to roll another joint) Boy, this is good stuff. (Puts on headphones and walks away)  
  
The End  
  
A/N: And there's my twisted version of Act 4 and Act 5 of Romeo and Juliet. I hope you found it the tinniest bit amusing. I made the Camp Counselor smoke pot because in the play, the Friar is always tending to mysterious "herbs". Ten points to those who can identify lines that pertain to other movies. 


End file.
